2021 is less than 30 days away…we made it! This year couldn’t have been more of a curve ball. Throwing stress at all of us in all sorts of unexpected ways.
Maybe this is what we needed though. Maybe slowing down, getting creative, and building hope for the future was what we needed to make next year OUR year. Maybe we are at a place now that we would have never been had it not been for 2020. Maybe we now have that clear vision of what we need to do in order to progress forward.
What did 2020 give you?
If you’ve read (or watched) Harry Potter, you know that that golden snitch seemed useless until Harry actually knew what he had to do. Maybe 2020 was our golden snitch. It seemed useless until we got to the end.
In the next few weeks, take some time for self reflection. Answer these questions…
What did I learn about myself?
What did I learn about my social circle?
What values do I want to take with me into 2021?
Where do I see myself a year from now?
Use this time to prepare yourself for the coming months. Establish your needs and wants, and start planning for growth.
Everyone is talking about self care, but what is it really? Well as mental health has become a less taboo topic in many communities, so has the idea that taking care of yourself can be your number one priority.
You’re probably thinking, “What?? I’m allowed to put myself first?!?” YES!
Self care is not equivalent to being selfish. I repeat, self care is NOT selfish. Self care is simply the term used to describe the fact that if you are in a healthy state both physically, mentally, and spiritually, then you are better able to show up in the many roles you may play in your life. Whether you are a student, employee, entrepreneur, mother, wife, caregiver, etc., prioritizing taking care of YOU means you are putting your best foot forward in all these areas. Ultimately you are serving those relationships better.
“So how do I do this ‘self care’ you speak of??”
Well let me tell you, it is simpler than you think. Self care lives on a spectrum from merely meeting your basic needs to full on pampering yourself. It can be free or very expensive, but that is up to you. It is all about partaking in activities and being intentional about doing things that make you feel good.
“Where do I sign up!?”
Hold on. Before you start booking massage appointments and buying face masks, you need to identify what is it you really need. Pause and get in tune with your body. What are the things that would make your soul smile? Taking the time to really get a grip on your needs allows you to be more intentional about your self care.
Maybe you have been feeling really low, and been having a hard time even getting out of bed. Maybe your self care is just opening a window or taking a long shower. Maybe you have been pulling non-stop overtime at your job and your self care may be using a vacation day or two. Maybe you are a new mom who hasn’t gotten a good nights sleep in ages and calling a family member over to watch the little one while you nap is what you really need. This is ALL self care!
“Wow. I didn’t even realize it was that deep.”
Yeah. Preparing for self care can almost be more work than actually doing the self care, but once you figure this all out the relief it brings is so worth it. Consider getting some help along this process by finding a therapist that fits your needs and can collaborate with you on creating a unique self care plan. Having someone to talk to in and of itself can be just the self care you needed.
I am a big believer in preventative measures when it comes to your physical and mental health. Many women plan and prep their bodies for a potential pregnancy through exercise, healthy eating, Ob/Gyn appointments, and taking prenatal vitamins… but how many prepare their minds and relationship for the transition into parenthood?
Prenatal therapy is a term I came up with to describe the importance of establishing healthy communication and mental health prior to a pregnancy or birth. Lots of focus is put on the mother during a pregnancy, but we often forget that although things are changing for mom-to-be they are also changing for the relationship.
Bringing a baby into the world means bringing another person into your family dynamic. For many relationships there is a drastic shift (whether it is baby number one or two or three) in the relationship as attention is split between more people. Partners have all sorts of feelings as well, when it comes to a pregnancy, and many times we forget that they are going through changes too.
One of the things I remember most about my own pregnancy with my first born, was how my husband voiced that he felt left out of so many things. While he was at work, I was at home putting a nursery together and going to doctor’s appointments, but it never crossed my mind that he wanted to participate in these things. We had a thorough & productive conversation (we’re both therapists so this isn’t uncommon for us) that led to a whole afternoon together building a crib and celebrating the new baby, and he began attending every doctor’s appointment (even though the doctor’s were surprised to see him…every time).
This is just an example of how communication is so important around this life transition. Once baby is here it is harder to find quiet time to have in-depth conversations, and communication often takes a turn for the worst. Attending prenatal couples therapy allows time to think about this shift as a team and discuss some major ideas that may not have been relevant up until this point.
Some of the topics often looked over prior to having a bun in the oven:
Will household duties be distributed differently (especially during postpartum recovery)? What will it look like once maternity/paternity leave is over?
Are visits with family welcome? Who is high on the “frequent flyer” list (grandparents, uncles/aunts/cousins, friends, etc.)?
What family/cultural traditions will be practiced? How about holidays/birthdays/vacations?
What parenting/discipline style do you expect to use? What was your experience like with your own parents?
How will you communicate your unique needs? Will you need “me time”?
What will “couple time” look like? Date nights? Childcare?
What are expectations around physical and emotional intimacy (especially during postpartum)?
This is just the tip of the iceberg. So many decisions will be first time decisions, and first time discussions. Thinking about these things in a space that provides extra tools and insight to communicate effectively can be a lifelong gift to your relationship. Consider adding prenatal couples counseling to your “get done before the due date” to do list. It may be the key to a smooth transition from two to three.
Major key alert! *in my DJ Khaled voice* Keeping a journal during your mental health journey can be a game changer! Therapy is a journey, so it is important to document your progress and make note of the tools you learn along the way. You are basically making your personal play book to mental health success.
Now daily journaling doesn’t have to be your thing to make a journal a useful tool in your mental health journey. Using a journal to document your goals initially as you start the therapy progress, and marking turning points periodically can still have benefits. I have seen clients of all kinds, those who loved writing and kept journals long before attending therapy, and those who bought a journal after a few therapy sessions because they wanted to write down the gems that they were forgetting between sessions. Both found it very useful.
It has been proven over and over that journaling creates intentional, introspection, which is a key part of the therapeutic process. Being able to not just articulate emotions, but being able to read back over how your emotions have evolved over time is an invaluable asset to your mental health journey. Bringing a journal into therapy can also allow for more intentionality when documenting homework assigned or questions posed by your therapist.
Keeping track of some of your basic needs in a journal, such as whether you got a decent nights rest or regular exercise, can also be important data for your therapist to collect and utilize to better identify your mental health needs. Remember that your physical and mental health are significantly intermingled.
Added bonus, journaling often facilitates the work that must be done in between sessions. The majority of therapeutic work is done outside the therapy room. Words, ideas, and insight is exchanged in a session, but ACTION takes place outside a session. Use a journal to write a new narrative of action, change, and progress. How has journaling played a role in your mental health journey?
In 2015, 17% of all newlyweds in the U.S. were in an interracial marriage. This is representative of an increasing trend in interracial marriages over the past few decades. Personally, I am also in an interracial marriage, and have seen an increase in interracial couples coming into therapy.
In any marriage there can be differences in values, beliefs, or just lifestyles that can be difficult to decipher and learn to love. For interracial relationships these differences tend to be just a little more obvious. When working with couples from different backgrounds (whether it is different races, religions, or family dynamics) it is important to start with establishing the things that bring them together. What are the values you share and the customs you both enjoy? And more importantly, what really drew you to your partner?
Once this groundwork of togetherness is established, you can look at the things that may be barriers to intimacy or value clashes that result in ongoing arguments or miscommunication. It may sound silly, but many couples (interracial or not) don’t discuss some of their deepest values before tying the knot. This creates a plethora of stuff to sort through once they are married, leading to marriage feeling “difficult” or “unsatisfying”.
Some of the common themes couples forget to mention pre-wedding are:
how to incorporate different faith practices
dealing with family members’ biases
family traditions to continue, and whether it will differ if kids come into the picture
gender role expectations
differing parenting styles
values around money
managing comments from strangers
Now a lot of these are topics that any couple may need to look more deeply into, but for interracial couples more items from this list may have been forgotten or looked over. Having to deal with one stressor vs having to deal with 3 or 4 value clashes may be the difference between a lifelong romance and a trip to the attorney’s office.
Partaking in pre-marital counseling or pre-natal counseling, can be great ways to recognize the diversity in your relationship and establish a joint culture of love and respect for the various beliefs and practices in your relationship. Use the therapy process to increase the tools you can utilize to communicate effectively and understand your partner fully. Make this a stage of togetherness and development on your way to a happily ever after!