You are Not SuperMom. SuperMom is You.

How many “Mom Blogs” do you follow on Instagram/Pinterest/Tumblr/[Insert other Social Media site]? Be honest. 2?  10? 25? More?? They all perfectly curate a page  of inspirational pictures and stories to show how amazing their kids, home, and overall life is. Even the pictures meant to show how messy life is or  how “real” they are, have been perfectly staged and professionally photographed.

This is all bulls**t. Excuse my French.

As a fellow mom, I know how hard we can be on ourselves, and these ideas of what a mom “should” be really don’t help. They make us feel like we should be doing more. Spending more. Committing more. Giving more. But how much more can you really give? Just the fact that you had 5 minutes to stop and scroll through Instagram is a miracle! When screaming toddlers and angst-y teens are a part of your everyday life there is no time for figuring out how to be SuperMom.

Women are naturally super human. We literally create life within us. Yet we live in a society where the act of CREATING LIFE isn’t enough. We are suppose to create life, tend to the house, bring home the bacon, and please the spouse. We let society put all these expectations on us, but what are we expecting of ourselves? Why are we listening to society??

Today I want to remind you of 4 reasons to stop trying to be SuperMom..

1. It’s impossible to do it ALL.

tired mom

Have you ever heard that multitasking is just doing multiple things badly? Well it’s true. Research shows time and time again that as we increase the quantity of things we do at once, we also decrease the quality of all of those things.

Have you ever tried cooking, dinner, helping a child with homework, doing laundry, and feeding an infant? You probably burned at least one part of dinner, the child ended up more confused about how to do long division, the laundry smelled moldy after being in the washer too long, and the infant got more food on the floor than in their mouth. Wow. Isn’t multitasking great? *Rolls eyes* What if you just cooked dinner, and asked the child to feed their younger sibling. The infant might have gotten fed (and spent some quality time with their older sibling). The dinner would have been cooked and stove turned off in a reasonable amount of time, leaving time to help the oldest child with their long division. And maybe you even got in a load of laundry done while they finished up their homework. Viola! This is how you get things done.

2. It is overrated.

Being the best of the best is overrated for sure. So what if you get every chore done in record time. What do you get for that? Pretty much nothing other than being really tired and unwilling to play with your kids (who have now holed themselves up in their rooms while you finished cleaning). No one is passing out trophies for doing it all. Things do need to get done, but some things can wait so that you can stop and smell the roses. Enjoying time with those precious humans you created is the biggest reward for being a mom.

If you must do the vacuuming, dusting, dishes, etc. though…here’s a hack. Have the kids do it with you. Turn on their favorite music, and assign them all chores. I know even my one year old likes to “help” me push the vacuum around. Dance and vacuum like no one is watching, and collapse on the couch with the kiddos when you’re done. Make spending time together the #1 thing on your to do list.

3. You lose yourself.

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Being SuperMom means tending to one or more kids, tending to your spouse, and tending to the life that you were meant to live (not tend to). It makes you lose the very essence of yourself. What were your interests before the spouse or children came along? When was the last time you did something that remotely resembled that interest? Does SuperMom get the chance to tend to her own needs ever? No. Because SuperMom’s life does not have time for herself.

Stop to recharge yourself. Sometimes you need to take off the cape, so you can remember your true identity and live YOUR life. You can’t pour from an empty glass. You have to give yourself the space and time to get yourself in order, so that you have the patience and energy to give to these other valuable relationships. Just like you rather spend 5 minutes with a relaxed, happy spouse than an hour with someone who is grumpy and tired…imagine which version of yourself would your family prefer to spend time with?

 

4. Your kids already think you are SuperMom.

black mom and daughter

We spend so much time trying to be this fictional person. When in reality this fictional person was based on a real life you! You are already enough. You are already doing enough. Just the effort you put in is more than enough. You ARE SuperMom! Your kids see it. Your spouse sees it. Now it is time for YOU to see it. Trust me. Your kids think you are the greatest thing since sliced bread. They may not say it (or show it), but they know it. No child is going to school and asking their friends, “Did your mom get all the chores done yesterday? Because mine sure did!” That’s not happening. Trust me. The only one comparing you is you. All your kids know is without you their world would fall apart. You are literally holding their world together. Isn’t that super human?

 

The point of this all is to remind you that no matter how much or how little you get accomplished, what’s important is that you are putting in some effort. You are trying to be the best version of yourself, not the best version of the woman on your timeline. Here’s to you, Mom! Thank you for being a super version of you!

 

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How to Tell the Kids about Your “Conscious Uncoupling”

Ever heard of giving your kids “the Birds & the Bees” discussion? Well you’ve probably never heard of “the Conscious Uncoupling” discussion. Yes it is just a fancy name for “divorce”, but it exemplifies how you should approach discussing this topic with your children. Being conscious to the fact that this decision affects them just as much as (if not more than) it affects you, and being conscious to the fact that they deserve input to this process where it is appropriate.

When you and your partner decide that the relationship is no longer healthy for either/both of you, it feels like a very personal and individual decision. However, it has a rippling affect on the people closest to you, most importantly the children closest to you. There are multiple ways however to cushion the blow when announcing a separation to children.kids and dog

Be Open and Upfront

You may think that you’re doing a great job of hiding any negative feelings between your spouse and yourself, but the kids know. Children have a “sixth sense” when it comes to problems between their parents. They know when things are going well and they definitely know when things are not. Make your kids a priority in the situation and prepare them for this change. The only reason to postpone telling your kids is if you aren’t sure if it is actually going to happen. No need to jump the gun on this difficult conversation.

Continue Showing a United Front

This is extremely important. In your children’s eyes you are a package deal. Whether you are separating, divorcing, or “consciously uncoupling”, you are both still a parent to your children. They still need the same things from you that they needed when you were together. That means being able to respect one another and (at least pretend to) be as friendly as possible. Although you can decide to stop being in a relationship, you can not decide to stop being a parent.

Spare Them the Details

Telling your kids that their parents are no longer in love is hard enough. Do NOT add on top of that all the reasons you think the other parent is [insert bad words that children should not hear]. Your decision to separate is about your relationship with your partner, not your child’s relationship with their parent. Trying to damage that relationship is not your place and is just plain old cruel. Children will grow into adults and decide for themselves what they think of their parents and what type of relationship they want to have with them. Do not try to make those decisions for them.

Emphasize Your Relationship with Your Child Instead of with Your Partner

Spend this time explaining to your kids your love for them, and how that does not change. Children are very self-centered. It is just how they are at this stage of development. Honestly, your kids don’t care that you are no longer going to be together. They care about whether you and them are going to stay together. This is most likely the first time they are being introduced to the idea that two people can stop loving one another. This makes them fear a change in their relationship with you. Your job is to reinforce that your relationship with them is not going to change. This is also a good time to mention that the separation/divorce is not their fault. Be very clear that it has nothing to do with how much you love them.

Try to Create Routines and Consistency Between Two Households

Kids thrive when they are able to predict what will happen next. Divorce is a big shock, but it doesn’t have to unravel their sense of security. Creating consistency between two households can be difficult, but it will make all the difference in making the transition smooth. Don’t make a custody schedule based off of your needs. Make it based on what works best for your children. If your kids are old enough to give input, please give them that courtesy. Consistency looks like…

  • Keeping some of their favorite things at both homes (favorite toys, snacks, etc.)
  • Sticking to the house rules they have always had (bed time, amount of TV, etc.)
  • Having both parents at family activities (birthdays, school events, etc.)
  • Not changing plans at the last minute (who’s weekend it is, who’s picking them up from school, etc.)

 

When finding it difficult to have these discussions or finding that co-parenting isn’t going as smoothly as you would like, consider family therapy. It gives a safe place for kids to have their voices heard and for parents to practice helpful tools in the process of creating a new family dynamic.

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Are You Having a “Quarter Life Crisis”?

Your mid-twenties. You expected to be done with school, working in a great career, be engaged (maybe even married), and possibly buying your first home. In reality, you are probably in grad school or contemplating going back because you barely get paid a living wage at your job and your parents keep asking when you are going to find a spouse and move out. What a f**king surprise…

This is not how you imagined adulthood. Good news is, you aren’t the only one feeling this way. Bad news is, there are A LOT of twenty-something year olds feeling this way.

So what do you do about your situation? Go to therapy. Why? Let me tell you the top 5 reasons to attend therapy in your twenties…

 

  1. To Find Supportfriends

    Your support system changes a lot in your twenties. This is the time when your friend group goes through a major overhaul (because let’s be honest, you’re lucky if 2 of your friends from high school are actually still your friends). Your parents slowly start seeing you less like a child and more like a fellow adult. And you actually have to have professional relationships at work (instead of goofing off during your shift at American Eagle). Knowing who to go to when you are having an off day becomes more difficult to decipher. Therapy can help you work through the relationships in your life to discover which are challenging you to be better and which are holding you down. While figuring out who in your life is supportive of your growth, you establish a relationship with your therapist, who’s sole job is to support you on your journey to your goal.

     

  2. To Reduce Your Anxieties

    Twenty year olds are full of anxiety for all sorts of reasons. Anxiety about finishing school. Anxiety about paying for school. Anxiety about finding a job. Anxiety about finding a mate. Anxiety about how to cook dinner or do your own laundry. Literally everything is new and harder than you thought it would be. A good therapist will be able to meet these anxieties with tools you can use to cope with and reduce these anxious feelings. Reducing the anxiety around these issues is the first step to being able to make sound decisions about how you want to approach each circumstance.

  3. To Build Your Self Confidencegirl guitar

    Millennials have taken a lot of blows to their self esteem. Whether it is an article saying “how lazy this generation is” or parents reminding you how much they had accomplished at your age or just social media filling your timeline with perfect looking people and their perfect looking lives (Note: none of those people are actually perfect). Being twenty-something in today’s age sometimes makes you feel like sh*t. Going to a therapist should make you feel the opposite of that. Therapy hands you an open, non-judgmental person to guide you to the realization about all you have to offer. Therapy has helped many people come to realizations about what self worth looks like and how they can find the confidence to go after their personal goals. Which brings me to reason 4 to attend therapy in your twenties…

  4. To Challenge Society’s Norms

    A lot of the issues that present themselves in this time of your life have to do with the influence of society. Society says what you should be doing, how you should be doing it, and gives no explanation for why. Therapy can be a place where you can deconstruct these societal norms, and re-establish for yourself what “normal” is. Questions are the core of therapy, and questioning what society tells you is right can be an incredible jumping off point for major progress in therapy.

  5. To Discover Your Unique Pathmap

     

    Last, but not least, your twenties are all about discovering what works for you. Once you find the support, reduce the anxiety, build the confidence, and challenge society, you are ready to make decisions about how you want to live your life and how you are going to accomplish your goals. Figuring these things out with a therapist in tow helps keep you on track and holds you accountable to using the skills you’ve learned along the way.

Therapy has everything to do with growth and this is the time of your life that you arguably doing the most growth. Not only are you growing intellectually, but also socially and spiritually. Making time for therapy means making time to slow down in this hectic world and reflect on who you are and who you want to be. How could you benefit from therapy?

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Are You Enemies, Sidekicks, or a Team?: Defining Your Relationship with Your Parenting Partner

You see your child in front of you with that bottom lip stuck out. They are asking to do/for something that you have already said “No” to multiple times in the past. You try not to fall victim to those sad puppy dog eyes. You quickly glance around the room to make eye contact with your partner. Do you…

A. Find them no where in site, and therefore have to go by what your child tells you they said.

B. Find them not to far away, but completely ignoring your desperate stares.

C. Meet their gaze and know they are going to back you up no matter what you say.

Or D. Some rendition of one of these or a combination of one, two, or three of them?

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If you answered A.

You may be enemies. This probably isn’t the first time they’ve been m.i.a., and it probably won’t be the last either.When your partner is no where to be found it is hard to feel supported or appreciated. It also isn’t real conducive to that whole “united front” idea. If this is your relationship it is important to work on two things…communication and appearances. You have to have very open and reachable communication with your partner. If they aren’t going to be by your side when making a decision, they at least need to know what decision they are suppose to be supporting. This is where appearances comes in. You want it to appear to your kid(s) that you are both on the same page with any and all decisions being made. Any sign that one parent is out of the loop, you might as well be bleeding into a tank of sharks…those little monsters will sniff that out and take advantage.

What To Do: 

  • Be aware of any permissions your child(ren) may be asking for
  • Have an open line of communication
  • Do NOT waiver on any agreed upon decisions

If you answered B.

You may be sidekicks. Your kid(s) probably know that they will hear, “Ask [insert other parent]” instead of actually getting an answer. Someone in this parenting dynamic is the boss, and someone in this dynamic is probably disengaged from the relationship and/or family. This can be dangerous because not only is there a lack of support, but there is a lack of care. One parent is left making all the decisions and feeling like they are in it alone, while the other doesn’t even know what decision is being made.

What To Do:

  • Practice making eye contact
  • Ask how you can help or ask for help
  • Set aside time to engage with spouse/family
  • Do NOT defer to the other parent

If you answered C.

Congrats! It sounds like you are already acting as a team! Your kid(s) recognize that an answer from one parent is as good as an answer from both. You put on a united front that shows teamwork and consistency. No one parent is taking on the burden of being “the bad cop”, and all parties are being shown mutual respect.

What To Do:

  • Continue being consistent
  • Discuss decisions with each other before coming to a final conclusion
  • Do NOT argue in front of the child(ren)

If you answered D.

Consistency isn’t your strongest attribute. Sometimes your partner is a dependable ally and sometimes they are your worst enemy. Either way, you are probably craving the same stability your kids are searching for. Being inconsistent can create resentment and an unstable environment for a couple and family. A lack of dependability leaves one partner unsure of what to expect and reluctant to share their needs. If you don’t know what response you will get you are more likely to avoid any communication.

What To Do:

  • Practice consistency with small tasks/decisions
  • Prioritize with partner what really needs their full attention
  • Do NOT flake on decisions that have been set

 

At the end of the day, your relationship with your spouse and family is affected by how you choose to parent. Attending couples and/or family therapy can help you gain insight on how to make improvements that will make parenting easier and more rewarding. If committing to weekly sessions is not suitable for your schedule, look up local parenting workshops and parent groups that may lend the support you are looking for.

“Coming together is a beginning; Keeping together is progress; Working together is success.” ~Henry Ford

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Engagement Anxiety: How You Really Feel After They Pop The Question

There are a lot of big moments in your life, and getting proposed to is arguably in the top 5. The society we live in has created a billion dollar business off of couples committing themselves to one another. You may be knees deep in bridal magazines, color swatches, Instagram feeds of brides and grooms and venues…oh my! And although everyone may ask you, “How did they propose??”, very few may ask, “How are you feeling about getting married?”

Cue the engagement anxiety.

Everyone expects you to be smiling from ear to ear for the next year or two as you plan the “biggest day of your life”, but you may feel as if nothing but stress and worry and doubt are flooding over you. Some brides-to-be (or Grooms-to-be) may start finding small things to nit-pick about their partner…”His teeth aren’t white enough.”, “Her nose is too big.”, “They don’t understand me!” Things you didn’t even notice before become these huge question marks looming over your relationship.

Where does this anxiety come from? Is it normal? And what do you do about it?? Here’s 5 steps to resolving your engagement anxiety…

black girl1. Be Aware That You Are Not Alone

Engaged women all over the world are panicking at this very moment about whether they should get married or not…they just aren’t telling anyone (other than their therapist). So you are not alone. You are allowed to have some anxiety about a new life transition and how your role in your relationship might change as a fiancé or wife/husband. There is no other time in life when you make a commitment to stay with one thing/person, literally forever…even kids leave the nest after 18 years. If there was a list of “legitimate reasons to be anxious”, this would definitely be on that list.

2. Recognize What Role Anxiety has Played in Your Life

Step 2 is to realize that anxiousness is present for different people at different times. Some people have dealt with crippling anxiety their entire lives, and are not surprised when this anxiety shows up in the middle of the proposal. Others have never felt anxious at all, so anxiety about their engagement feels extremely scary and completely new. Recognizing other times you have felt anxious allows you to recognize what skills you used to calm yourself down, and also allows you to recognize what may have been a trigger for this bout of anxiety. These questions you ask yourself may very likely be questions you also hear in a therapy session with your counselor.

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3. Do Some #SimpleSelfCare

When people hear “Self Care” they often think of a day at the spa or a vacation, but the key to good self care is consistency and small doses. Doing something as simple as buying your favorite coffee creamer to put in your instant coffee in the morning, or setting your alarm 10 minutes early so you can cuddle with your partner in the morning before you start your busy days. Those are the most effective ways to take care of yourself…what I call #SimpleSelfCare. Doing these little things will help reduce your level of anxiety and remind you that you are in control of how you feel. Being mindful of your breathing is another small adjustment that can have a big impact.

Some practice…breathe in (hold it)…1…2…3…4…5…breathe out. *Repeat until anxiety has subsided*

4. Communicate with Your Fiancé

Let’s be honest all this engagement anxiety is your partner’s fault. They just had to divulge their undying love for you in the form of a proposal. But really, if your anxiety is truly wrapped up in the engagement it is very important to talk with your partner about how you are feeling. Chances are they may already have noticed a shift in your demeanor or behaviors due to the anxiety. Discuss with them what is triggering to your anxiety and give suggestions on how they can help make you feel more comfortable. Whether that means them rubbing your back if you have a small panic attack or them chiming in when another person asks, “Have you set a date??” (*Side Note* that is honestly the most annoying question). Cluing your partner in to how you are feeling is a skill that is important now, and will be important for the rest of your relationship, so might as well get in some practice.

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5. Go to Premarital Counseling

Last, but definitely not least…go to premarital counseling! I know that I am biased because as a therapist I recommend therapy for any and all things, BUT this is one of the most ideal times in a relationship to go through couples therapy (it’s also one of therapists’ favorite stages to see a couple in). Premarital counseling is ideal because (hopefully) there aren’t any real problems in the relationship yet. This is the stage that you can really take a look at your partner and say I want to love this person unconditionally, and I’ll take whatever tools necessary to make that happen. When couples come into therapy 4, 7, or 10+ years into a marriage with a laundry list of reasons they want out, therapists often spend most of their time trying to get couples back to this place of wanting to try their hardest. Go now, so you can talk about all those little concerns and start building your tool box of skills that help you communicate with and love on your partner in all the best ways!

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