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5 Traits Found in a Healthy Interracial Marriage

June 1, 2021October 13, 2021

It’s been over 50 years since interracial marriage was legalized in the United States. Since this momentous day, interracial marriage has become more and more common. As more couples enter relationships with differing cultural backgrounds, racial backgrounds, or faith backgrounds, it becomes more and more evident that intercultural relationships require a certain skill set and dedication to make things work.

Due to the obstacles that many interracial couples have to overcome in order to have a healthy, happy relationship, the individuals in these relationships often have specific traits that help make things work in their relationship. When entering a new relationship with someone from a differing background, looking for these traits early on can help determine if the person you are committing yourself to will be able to address your unique relationship needs.

interracial couple laughing at their wedding; hannahmaiselphotography.com

Openness

This is probably the most obvious trait, but also the most underrated. Finding a partner that is open to dating outside their race is important, but it goes deeper than that. It is not uncommon to find someone who is open to dating outside their “comfort zone” as long as the other person is relatively similar to them. Being open to dating someone of a different race, only if they have the same interests, hobbies, and tastes as you isn’t really being open. One has to be open to more than just looking different than their partner. Openness in interracial relationships is so important because there are going to be MANY differences between two partners, and being open to trying new things and embracing those differences is a pivotal part of making a marriage last.

Communication

Now this is an important trait in any relationship, but it becomes especially important when two people may have different views of the world around them. Being able to communicate our thoughts, feelings, and influences on our behaviors can create room for understanding from our partner. Because their may be a missing component of similarity with a certain situation, being able to communicate how you experience something differently, and being open to that conversation is incredibly important.

Empathy

That brings me to the idea of empathy in an interracial marriage’s communication. Empathy is often times lumped together with sympathy, but these are very different things. Brene Brown does a wonderful job of explaining these differences, so I’ll spare you my rendition. After watching that wonderfully illustrated video, think about how empathy may be an integral part of an interracial relationship. Because two individuals may have varying perspectives or experiences of the world due to their different backgrounds, there will be lots of opportunities for one to practice empathy with their partner. Being able to put yourself in the other’s shoes and sit with them in their emotion is an integral part of connecting even when we don’t experience something in the same way.

Assertiveness

If you are unfamiliar with the idea of assertiveness, it is being “disposed to or characterized by bold or confident statements and behavior“. Assertiveness is important to interracial relationships because there is an increased likelihood of experiencing backlash for the relationship. Whether it is family that disapproves, friends that question your compatibility, or strangers passing judgment on the street…you and your partner may need to stand up for yourselves, your relationship, and your beliefs. Being assertive in these tense situations can create the opportunity for connection. When your partner feels you are on the same team, willing to stand up for them, and acting in the relationship’s best interest (not others’) you are setting a tone of togetherness.

Flexibility

Last, but certainly not least is flexibility. When different ideas, beliefs, values, or traditions present themselves in an interracial relationship it requires a good bit of flexibility to make things work. Being able to improvise in a tricky situation, break normal traditions to create new ones, or practice something new to bond with your partner, all these opportunities will need some flexibility. If one is inflexible or rigid in how they do things or how they view things, it will become impossible for them to connect with their partner in a way that forms a deeper attachment.

Finding someone who possesses these traits or is open to practicing these attributes, is the first step to creating a health bond with someone from another culture. As interracial marriages become more common, there will be limitless opportunities to learn about new cultures, practice new beliefs, and create a new normal for your life and relationship. Become more connected to your partner by showing interest and care in their unique experiences, and continue believing that love has no bounds.

5 traits of a healthy interracial relationship, interracial couple sitting with their child in front of moving boxes

Identifying Solvable Problems in a Relationship

March 4, 2020June 26, 2021Leave a comment

What’s the Difference between Solvable & Perpetual Problems?

Solvable vs. Perpetual Problems. What type of problem do you have in your relationship? Do these examples sound familiar?

So your spouse forgot about Valentine’s Day again? That is a problem for sure. Is it a deal-breaker though? You know that they are going to forget it because it happens every year, so you’re prepared for their sad attempt to make it up the weekend after with wilted roses and a dinner at your 2nd favorite restaurant.

What if your partner doesn’t want to get married? That may be a deal-breaker. You may value the union that is marriage, while they never see themselves becoming tied down. That isn’t a problem that is solved very easily.

concerned black couple sitting on bed in misunderstanding

Let’s clearly define what the difference between the two are…

Solvable Problems: aspects or behaviors of your partner that are difficult to handle, but tolerable. There are usually reachable solutions or compromises that can be made for these types of problems.
Perpetual Problems: values your partner holds that may be intolerable or in opposition to your own values or beliefs. Things that you may have to “bend” on in order to stay happy in your relationship. These types of problems will always be present in your relationship.

You may go into therapy knowing that there is a problem in your relationship, but you may not know whether it is a solvable or perpetual one. This is an important part of the therapeutic process. Realizing what type of problem you are working to solve will allow you to figure out with your therapist the steps necessary to either solve said problem or learn to live with it.

Using simple tools such as “I Statements”, “Repair Attempts”, or deep breathing can all be ways of approaching solvable problems. See the list below for some tips and tricks on how to handle solvable problems in your relationship.

If any of these approaches do not seem like enough when it comes to a problem between yourself and your partner, you may have a perpetual problem. This problem is most likely best suited for therapy. Going to couples therapy can be a great place for solvable or perpetual problems because it allows for a neutral space to practice the skills necessary to manage the problem at hand. Going into therapy with an open mind and open heart can be the defining factor in whether solutions are found.

What solvable or perpetual problems have you been able to manage in the past?

close up photo of diamond stud silver colored eternity ring

Engagement Anxiety

February 5, 2020December 19, 2022Leave a comment

How You Really Feel After a Proposal

Has nervousness and anxiety crept up on you after a recent engagement? Whether you were recently proposed to or hoping to take your relationship to the next level, here’s some ways to manage the anxiety that often follows…

There are a lot of big moments in your life, and getting proposed to is arguably in the top 5. The society we live in has created a billion dollar business off of couples committing themselves to one another. You may be knees deep in bridal magazines, color swatches, Instagram feeds of brides and grooms and venues…oh my! And although everyone may ask you, “How did they propose??” Very few may ask, “How are you feeling about getting married?”

Cue the engagement anxiety.

Everyone expects you to be smiling from ear to ear for the next year or two as you plan the “biggest day of your life”. But you may feel as if nothing but stress and worry and doubt are flooding over you. Some brides-to-be (or Grooms-to-be) may start finding small things to nit-pick about their partner. “His teeth aren’t white enough.” “Her toes are strange.” “They don’t understand me!” Things you didn’t even notice before become these huge question marks looming over your relationship.

Where does this anxiety come from? Is it normal? And what do you do about it?? Here’s 5 steps to resolving your engagement anxiety…

black woman looking off at ocean somberly, anxiety about engagement

1. Be Aware That You Are Not Alone

Engaged women all over the world are panicking at this very moment about whether they should get married or not. They just aren’t telling anyone (other than their therapist). So you are not alone. You are allowed to have some anxiety about a new life transition. And about how your role in your relationship might change as a fiancé or spouse. There is no other time in life when you make a commitment to stay with one thing/person, literally forever. Even kids leave the nest after 18 years. If there was a list of “legitimate reasons to be anxious”, this would definitely be on that list.

2. Recognize What Role Anxiety has Played in Your Life

Step 2 is to realize that anxiousness is present for different people at different times. Some people have dealt with crippling anxiety their entire lives, and are not surprised when this anxiety shows up in the middle of the proposal. Others have never felt anxious at all, so anxiety about their engagement feels extremely scary and completely new. Recognizing other times you have felt anxious allows you to recognize what skills you used to calm yourself down. And it also allows you to recognize what may have been a trigger for this bout of anxiety. These questions you ask yourself may very likely be questions you also hear in a therapy session with your counselor.

3. Do Some #SimpleSelfCare

When people hear “Self Care” they often think of a day at the spa or a vacation. But the key to good self care is consistency and small doses. Doing something as simple as buying your favorite coffee creamer to put in your instant coffee in the morning, or setting your alarm 10 minutes early so you can cuddle with your partner in the morning before you start your busy days. Those are the most effective ways to take care of yourself…what I call #SimpleSelfCare. Doing these little things will help reduce your level of anxiety and remind you that you are in control of how you feel. Being mindful of your breathing is another small adjustment that can have a big impact.

Some practice…breathe in (hold it)…1…2…3…4…5…breathe out. *Repeat until anxiety has subsided*

4. Communicate with Your Fiancé

Let’s be honest all this engagement anxiety is your partner’s fault. They just had to divulge their undying love for you in the form of a proposal. But really, if your anxiety is truly wrapped up in the engagement it is very important to talk with your partner about how you are feeling. Chances are they may already have noticed a shift in your demeanor or behaviors due to the anxiety. Discuss with them what is triggering to your anxiety and give suggestions on how they can help make you feel more comfortable. Whether that means them rubbing your back if you have a small panic attack or them chiming in when another person asks, “Have you set a date??” (*Side Note* that is honestly the most annoying question). Cluing your partner in to how you are feeling is a skill that is important now, and will be important for the rest of your relationship, so might as well get in some practice.

woman's hand holding man's hand, woman has engagement ring on, engagement anxiety

5. Go to Premarital Counseling

Last, but definitely not least…go to premarital counseling! I know that I am biased because as a therapist I recommend therapy for any and all things, BUT this is one of the most ideal times in a relationship to go through couples therapy (it’s also one of therapists’ favorite stages to see a couple in). Premarital counseling is ideal because (hopefully) there aren’t any real problems in the relationship yet. This is the stage that you can really take a look at your partner and say I want to love this person unconditionally, and I’ll take whatever tools necessary to make that happen. When couples come into therapy 4, 7, or 10+ years into a marriage with a laundry list of reasons they want out, therapists often spend most of their time trying to get couples back to this place of wanting to try their hardest. Go now, so you can talk about all those little concerns and start building your tool box of skills that help you communicate with and love on your partner in all the best ways!

5 ways to handle engagement anxiety with wedding rings in background

Cheaters: Why They Do It & How to Prevent It

June 3, 2019November 7, 2019Leave a comment

So you are in a “committed” relationship (or so you thought), but you have a nagging feeling that something isn’t right. Something is wrong. You start to dig for clues as to what is possibly going on, and slowly (but surely) drive yourself crazy wondering, “are they cheating??” Well I bet there is another question you haven’t asked yourself…”have I been meeting my partner’s needs?” Yep. I bet you haven’t taken a second to think “why would my partner cheat?”

I wonder why you haven’t asked this question because there is only one reason why people cheat. Yes, one. Here’s the big, top secret reason…their needs are not being met.

man and woman wearing brown leather jackets

That’s it. Every person needs certain things to be fulfilled. These things could be love, sex, passion, compassion, security, generosity, time, affection, and an assortment of other things. More often than not people wind up in a relationship where their partner cannot satisfy ALL of their needs. Now this is the point where you are probably thinking, “well if your needs aren’t being met, just break up with the person!” Relationships aren’t that simple. Imagine this…

If our emotional needs looked more like our physical needs such as food, water, & shelter, how would things pan out? Imagine you were in a relationship where your partner is providing 2 out of 3 (water & shelter), but they were starving you. No food. You have dropped hints that you are hungry, maybe even straight up asked for food, but were denied 90% of the time. Then you come across someone who is offering up a feast on a silver platter. What are you going to do?

A. Go home to your water & shelter and continue starving?

B. Leave your whole life behind with only a guarantee of food (none of the water or shelter)?

C. Or are you going to try and sneak enough food to meet your needs, then go home to a reliable source of water and shelter?

Let’s be honest with ourselves, the last choice makes the most sense. Now putting this back into the emotional sense…when you partner with someone because they meet most of your needs, there is a risk that the needs that aren’t being met will be met somewhere else. The other option is to learn to live without that additional need, but that is often easier said than done.

Now, you may be wondering “how do I prevent cheating from happening in my relationship?” Great question. Before I answer, I must remind you that relationships are SELFLESS acts. That means at any given point in a relationship you should be trying to meet the needs of your partner, while effectively communicating your needs as well.

woman sitting in front of body of water

The best way to prevent cheating is by utilizing the time you spend as a single person figuring out how you can meet your own needs. This allows you the time and energy when you enter a relationship to focus on how you can meet your partners needs. Because again, relationships are not about you! They are about having a mutual understanding that you will support one another. If you can figure out your own needs, then you will want to be with someone who has done the same, and neither of you will be looking for a partner to complete them. Because you are a WHOLE person. No one can “complete” you.

Here’s the trickier part. If you are already in a relationship and feel your needs aren’t being met, then you have to learn what it is you need, and teach yourself/partner how to meet that need. You cannot just say “I need your attention more.” You have to educate your partner on how they can give you more attention. Give them the who/what/when/where/why/how you learned in grade school. For example, if your need is sexual intimacy:

Who needs to be meeting this need? Obviously it takes two to tango, so your partner needs to be involved in meeting this need.

What is the need EXACTLY? Be clear. Is this need about actual sex, or is this need about general physical touch? Does foreplay meet this need? Would you like to kiss & hug more often? This is not just a single sentence answer. Go into detail.

When is the appropriate time to meet this need? Everyone has a preference, but also when is it feasible to meet this need? Maybe kids are in the house so babysitters have to be arranged. Or maybe this is a need that needs to be met more than just once a month. When would you ideally like to meet this need? Be open to some compromise in the process.

Where is the appropriate place to meet this need? The bedroom, a hotel, the shower? Hey, whatever floats your boat.

Why is this need important to you? This may be the most important question. This is where you help your partner and teach your partner the reason behind the need. Maybe you feel like there is a general lack of intimacy, or maybe you feel insecure about how you look and want to feel desired by your partner. Again, not a place for a one sentence answer. Be descriptive.

How can your partner support this need? Explain what role you would like them to play in supporting this need. If they can initiate sex more often or if they can provide compliments that make you feel sexy. Whatever it is, help your partner figure out how they can be supportive.

No matter what your need is, utilize these questions to effectively communicate to your partner how you two can work as a team to meet each others’ needs. A relationship is about support and giving. Taking preventative steps to care for your partner can help reduce the likelihood of having to take drastic measures to put a relationship back together. And at the end of the day if you are finding it difficult to have these conversations, make a therapy appointment! Therapy is a great place to learn how to communicate effectively and efficiently.

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